iPod set to The Fabulous Mid Life Crisis Band's, Momma Told Me Not To Come
Ok, just by the beginning of this sentence I would say the
answer is yes. But it’s not, it’s
not! It’s not cheating. Or, at least it’s not
cheeeeeeeating. I’m not going to
go out with anyone else, it’s nothing like that. But it just so happens that I will be accompanying my friend
AJ on a round of speed dating next week.
She’s not really the type to jump into this sort of event, but since we
jumped out of a plane and tried to learn how to hang glide, well, meeting a
couple guys in under an hour doesn’t seem all that bad. I’m the wingman. Wing-woman actually.
It might actually be more of a lie and a cheat to the guys
I’ll be meeting than to my boyfriend (Monkey Wrench). Although
it’s also a good thing to keep my skills up; one never knows when it might come
time to recruit a new QB! I
certainly don’t want to take even a little attention from the lovely ladies
around me who are looking for Mr., ah, Mr. Not So Bad for a Wednesday Night (it
is New York). This will take a
little creative question answering on my part. Let’s see…
Speed Dater:
Where did you go to school?
Me: Mt. Holyoke of course. Most other schools cater to the masculine pigs who run our
society.
Speed Dater: Do
you live in the city?
Me: Why do you
want to know? Think you’ll get
lucky tonight jerk? Please!
Speed Dater:
NYC has the best pizza, don’t you agree?
Me: If you go
for that over processed, hormone injected, regulated food conspiracy that the government
has us roped into. I only eat food
I grow myself in my studio apartment…the one you won’t be seeing tonight.
Speed Dater: Do
you have any pets?
Me: I think
animals should run free, like the eight-foot rattlesnake I let roam in my
bathroom. Sometimes when I shower
I make him bite me, I like it. But
he doesn’t really get along with the three spiders and small rooster I have in
my kitchen.
Speed Dater: I
can’t believe it! I’ve been looking
for a man-hating, government fearing, vegan with self-inflicted pain
issues! You’re perfect!
Me: Ahhhhhhhh, I
collect Precious Moments figures and like to spend all my free time with Jesus
or baking cookies for old people.
My main job will be to gather necessary information so I can
report back to the troops (my gal pals) about what speed dating is all
about. And my other job is of
course to be an amazing wing-woman to AJ.
This means that when we’re conversing with a guy I point out all the
great things about her. That way
she gets to have him know all the amazing things, but she doesn’t have to say
them. She just says things like, “Oh,
no, stop, really it was just two puppies I saved from the burning house, really
it was nothing. No, oh don’t tell
him that, I’m sure tons of girls have climbed Mount Everest. And please, so I was Miss America the
same year I saved the planet from global warming. Really, you’re just going to bore him!”
At any rate it will be an adventure!
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