Download: Love Is a Losing Game
Six minutes is a F#*!#ing long time. That’s what AJ's Facebook status will say tonight. Speed dating. Good idea right? Meet 15 guys in an hour and a half. Ladies, all I have to say is NO. No, no, no, no, no.
Tonight I was AJ's wing-woman. I pretended to be single so I could get the scoop on speed dating. Besides, it was something I'd always wanted to try.
We arrived early to pre-medicate ourselves at the bar. This of course had to be a fine line between the “I can live through this with a smile, go team!” buzz and the “thso, you’re thsuper cute. if I can w-walk leths go make-out on the thstreet.” stumbling drunk. Vodka for me and beer for AJ. We had two rounds before things started and by guy number two I wished I’d ordered a double both times. These six-minute dates were way too sobering.
This is how it works. The girls stay in place and a guy sits next to them. They talk for six minutes, their “date”, and then a big gong sound smacks you across the face and the men all change to sit with the next girl. We all had numbers by us. Halfway through, there was a bathroom break and some food and then afterward everyone could stay and mingle.
Some guys were somewhat easier to talk with and the six minutes felt a little shorter than a lifetime. Or at least they were faster in comparison to the “shoot me now” situations. It was a kinda like sorority rush. You sit there knowing you have nothing in common with most of these men and yet are overcome with that “like me” need. No, you don’t want them to call you—ever! But you sure do want to leave being the girl with the most “yes” votes. We all want to be wanted.
By the third guy I needed to find amusement for myself. I found that I got to say the same jokes or introductions 15 times and thus could tweek my material accordingly, try it out with different phrasings or inflection, maybe reword it a bit. I was seated at the #1 position. “Yep, I’m #1. This is where it all begins!” “Yep, I’m #1…the beginning of the end. Afraid?!” Yep, I’m #1 or can’t you tell?” Ok, I wasn’t exactly Chris Rock, but it passed the time. Especially since the bartender got to hear me say it over and over again. And thought it was cute and HE was hot! (Fine, he thought I was a big fat loser…whatever.)
They went to number 11 instead of 8 before letting us use the bathroom so I truly have no recollection of numbers 9, 10 or 11. And then while I was using the facilities the food was all eaten up. Awesome. Another drink then? Why not?
By the end it was agreed that we had been quit good sports, saints maybe. AJ said that maybe two guys were ok, but she wasn’t sure if they were ok, or ok in comparison to the rest. We’ll see.
The final step is to go online and put in our “yes” votes. Since I was, well, lying, (about being single…details) I just won’t go online. This way there isn’t anything past this and better yet I don’t have to have that face-to-face situation of exchanging numbers or backing out of future plans. And just when I thought it was safe the host of the night came over and asked if it would be too unprofessional of him to ask me out to dinner. WHAT? Really? AJ couldn’t stand it, “You got asked out by the teacher, you got asked out by the teacher! Bahahahaha.” Hysterical. Yes. So I did the ol’ avoid giving any info, get his number and run outta there fast.
So that is speed dating. No I don’t recommend it. Painful, very painful. Instead just take your money and buy a nice brick wall to bang your head against.
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